This is a rush transcript from a phone interview with Quick Gun Murugan, Jul 28, 2010, and may not be in its final form and may be updated.

By our North America correspondent. Our A federal judge has struck down parts of Arizona’s controversial immigration law SB1070, allowing only parts of the law to go into effect.  We were able to reach Quick Gun Murugan to seek his reaction to this development. We will post a full transcript of the interview as soon as it is available. Until then, the summary of Murugan’s position is:

• Unknown to most, SB1070 was a crucial tool in the global war against dosa terrorism (global leader of the terrorists is Rice Plate Reddy).
• At the heart of SB1070 was the ability it granted law enforcement to profile, stop and if needed apprehend persons with brown complexion — these are persons with pigmentation that is neither too minimal or too  intense, the effect of which is to emit color in at brown wavelengths when illuminated by full spectrum white light.
• Even though Murugan is himself brown by complexion, he points to Reddy, the arch dosa terrorist, as being brown as well. It is critical that medium statured, well browned complexion males with largeish mustaches are profiled and questioned, he maintains. The followers of Reddy fashion their appearance on Reddy and thereby provide law enforcement a crucial edge in this asymmetric war on global terrorism, he points out.
• It is unfortunate that persons from Latin America may be swept into the dragnet of SB1070, Murugan says, but what are civil liberties in the face of imminent destruction by means of non-vegetarian dosas, he emphasizes.
• Muguran promises a robust fight to restore SB1070 and is heartened by the efforts of Republicans everywhere in this effort. The Constitution of America must be changed, he maintains.

We are rushing to transcribe the conversation and will update this article when it is ready.

Click here for more information on Water Buffaloes.

Indian Water Buffalo

By our staff reporter, Boston. Jul 21. We have been able to confirm tips received by our office that one of the world’s leading biotechnology companies based in the US, has hired water buffaloes and housed them at a Massachusetts office. This particular species of buffalo is not native to the US and was likely imported from India. Our inhouse biotechnology expert believes that these water buffaloes have unique biotechnology related skills, particular in genome sequencing. Our in house financial expert believes that the company in question receives similar financial benefit that one can expect from hiring similarly talented humans from India.

There appears to be a downside to using water buffaloes however, the effect of which is felt by humans who interact with these water buffaloes, particularly in the context of restroom usage. We interviewed people working in surrounding offices and found them to be generally dissatisfied with the reduction in restroom niceness following the appearance of the water buffaloes. “This used to be a great office park,” one office worker of South Asian origin said, requesting anonymity, “In particular, the restrooms were very nice before these water buffaloes showed up at the biotech company’s office here. Now I feel like I’m entering a poorly kept restroom at a very busy airport.  We are all very distressed.”

Calls and emails to the public relations group at the biotechnology company remained unanswered as of the time of publication.

Mr. Quick Gun Murugan

By our staff reporter, New York City, July 20. We caught up with our new employer, Sheriff Quick Gun Murugan, on a hot and humid day in New York City. Murugan was following up on a tip that a restaurant in uptown Manhattan was serving dosas. “It could be a front for the evil organization of the rascal dosa-pirate Rice Plate Reddy,” he said, “Something does not add up.” Public listings show that the restaurant is operated by the Hampton Chutney Co. whose owners claim to have received training in the ancient art of dosa making during several trips to India. “You know, the ultimate test is whether or not they serve a non-vegetarian dosa. If they do, then mind it! [v]ok[e]?” Murugan said.

Readers may recall Quick Gun Murugan’s long and arduous battle against Rice Plate Reddy and his evil organization. “In the beginning, it was very hard. What to do? No one would believe that a non-vegetarian dosa could spell the end of the world. We are like that only. We received a little publicity in 1994 thanks to Channel[V] in the form of three short films (see them here). But I was finally able to get a full length documentary made in 2009 that brought awareness to our cause,” Murugan said.

Mr. Rice Plate Reddy following a hostile takeover of a dosa establishment (2009 file photo)

Hampton Chutney Co.’s Amsterdam Avenue location has all the marking of a fusion restaurant; the kind of restaurant targeted and acquired by Reddy’s evil organization. The ambiance was like any other average, self serve restaurant: a scattering of tables and chairs and a counter where you order. Murugan keen eyesight immediately noted that none of the staff members looked Indian. “Not looking so good,” he muttered to us, “How can we expect any quality in these dosas. No Indians anywhere here. Their batter must be terrible, not fermented properly, their dosas must be soggy, and their masala must be simply awful, like that alleged dosa restaurant Dosa Hut in Cambridge, which we will verify soon. Those fellows have have Indians, but North Indians. What to do? North Indians can’t cook South Indian food, and vice versa. Still we are like that only.”

Hampton Chutney Co.

He looked up at the menu for any indications if this was a front for Reddy’s organization and was shocked at the blatant display of fusion cooking. “Look, look,” he said, “they have normal and masala dosa, but they also have spinach, avocado, cheese, tomato, olives, mushroom, corn, peppers and what not! This place is most definitely a part of Reddy’s evil organization. Mind it!” We ordered a couple of sada (plain) dosas and masala dosas to go around. Each came with a chutney. Murugan instantly picked up on this anomaly. “The ancient dosa texts describe only two side items for dosas, coconut chutney and sambaar,” Murugan said, “This is looking increasingly like Reddy’s handiwork. We may need to bring in the cleanup team.” Murugan choose the cilantro chutney and we went for the tomato and mango chutneys.

Filter coffee served in traditional manner

We settled down at a corner table and poured out glasses of water. “If you don’t have filter coffee, then dosa must be consumed with water only. No carbonated drinks. Mind it,” Murugan said. While we were waiting for our dosas to be served, we took the opportunity to ask Murugan a few questions. This was our first meeting and we were very curious why Murugan choose our team for his new media  initiative. “Yes, Yes, I know. We have not had a chance to meet or talk even,” Murugan said, “As you know I have been very very busy tracking down all of Reddy’s hotels. The documentary was helpful in raising awareness, but I felt we needed a consistent channel. So I looked at what rascal Rupert Murdoch did, and bought your news talents to spread my message. Even though we haven’t met, I have followed your work on the internet and I knew you were the right fellows for the job. You know, for example, when that silly fellow Stein wrote some funny things about Indians in America, you could tell from the reaction exactly who was in Reddy’s pocket. Take that Indian fellow in American films, Modi, for example. At one time only politicians in India used Gandhi’s name in vain, but now these fellows do as well because of Reddy’s evil eye. When I read your article, I instantly knew you were able to see through the ways of the Gandhi-invoking rascals.” He proudly furnished a white iPhone 4 and said: “Steve personally presented me with this rare entity. The reason they have delayed the launch of the white iPhone is not because they can’t make it. Apple never makes mistakes, mind it. They are going to create a dosa awareness media campaign around the launch of the white iPhone 4.”

Murugan continued: “Basically, the funda is that I need a medium to let the world know of the perils that face us if Reddy succeeds.” Asked if our assignments were to revolve primarily around investigating dosa establishments, Murugan said: “Yes, but that is not the focus only. Reddy is smart, he learnt this word, you know, diversification and knew he had to spread his influence beyond dosas. Now he is into yoga and everything. Your job is to report on all forms of corrupt and improper fusion of East and West and everything. And you are going to need help. I am talking with other seekers of the truth as well and not all of them have Indian background. For example, the famous South Korean investigative reporter, Sun Il Kim, is considering joining us.”

Dosa

Our dosas arrived at that time on largish plates. The sada (plain) dosa was rolled up in a tight circle. “The diameter of the dosa looks ok, and so does the diameter of the roll up.” Murugan commented. He poked around in the masala dosa and inspected the potato based masala carefully. “Color is a bit light, smell [v]ok[e],” he said, “Now to see the crispiness.” The thickness of the dosa was more that of a paper dosa. “I am glad they do not call this a paper dosa,” he said, “That would be wrong and a dead giveaway.” He sniffed suspiciously at the cilantro chutney in front of him and reached out with his right hand and tore a piece of the dosa. “[v]Only use hands. No forks or knives. And [v]only right hand, not left, mind it! Left is for you know what.” Murugan said, as he dipped the dosa piece into the chutney and tentatively put it into his mouth. He chewed it a little trying to savor it’s several flavors and his face transformed. Tears of relief and happiness rolled down his cheeks. “Never before have I had a dosa like this in a foreign hotel made by foreign fellows,” he said, “If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine my mother making dosas at home. Very good taste, excellent batter and crispiness. The cilantro chutney is [v]ok[e] too. Can I please try the tomato chutney.” He dipped another dosa piece into the tomato chutney and tasted it. “Ay ya yo, this tomato chutney is simbly [simply] too good. This may be a very good substitute for the traditional coconut chutney indeed. I see now that some forms of fusion cooking are ok, as long at the tenets of dosa making are maintained and Indian or no Indian, does not matter. I can’t eat dosa with avacado, and even though they have non-vegetarian dosas, maybe it’s [v]ok[e]. I do not think this hotel is under the influence of that rascal Reddy. Mind it. He may yet take it over. We will need to keep constant vigil on this most wonderful foreign dosa hotel.”

President Obama reaching for a masala dosa wth Indian Americans looking on (2009 file photo)

Our conversation moved on to the rest of his trip. “The rumors are true,” he said, “I have been invited to meet with your Obama who is considering  the national security implications from the global dosa threat. I can’t say more at this time, but the White House intends to convene a dosa summit to highlight the correct method to prepare and eat dosas. I am requesting a press pass for you and your team. Its true that Obama is a great lover of dosas, especially the Mysore masala dosa. Also we may release a dosa in his name to honor him. Also the UN Security Council is meeting to set up a working committee for global dosa coordination. I will tell you more when after my meeting. That rascal Reddy’s days are certainly limited. Mind it!”

Murugan wrapped up the interview with this message to our readers: “And I am appealing to all our respected readers to please spread the word. You people are so very smart now. When I was young, we sent messages on bullock carts. Now you have email, and social media, you know,  FacePage and Chatter, something like that. Just click that share button on the right. Everyone can do their part in stopping that rascal Face Plate Reddy and his evil dosas. [V]Also, if our readers know of any dosa places that need investigating, pleese [please] leave us a comment below. Mind It!“